“What’s that? You want anal rape this year? Ho Ho Ho!”
So I’m taking some time out over Xmas and New Year, and will be back to baiting some of the less well adjusted members of the online community in January. Have a great xmas, and I hope Santa is good to you.
The original post:
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“OFFER : Mechanised Santa
Slightly the worse for wear, missing an eye of all things, still works though and does the usual wave / nod / ho-ho-ho.”
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And here they come.
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From: Hurtt Rob <robert@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Mechanised Santa, SW4
I have his eye-I nicked it last Christmas.
It’s on the top of my tree at present but you are welcome to it back.
Rob Hurtt.
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Moving on..
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From: Pippa Palmer <pippa@x.co.uk>
“Similar to a weeble or inflatable character, passing resemblance to Rooney.”
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Look at that face. LOOK AT IT. It’s bad enough this overpaid belmer is taken seriously by the clinically retarded and feeble minded, can you imagine the ugly fucker life-size in your house?
Debbie can.
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From: Debbie <debbie@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Re: [wilmslow_freecycle] OFFER: Life size “Subbuteo” player (Wilmslow)
hi i would love the subbuteo player if thats ok could you e mail me thank you
deb
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Better idea : put this mask on, and lope around your garden making “NYYYURGH” noises and occasionally pausing to say “MMAAAAATT DAAAAMMMON”:
That way, you get the Rooney experience without the clutter.
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From: theballman@x.com Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2011 21:39:49 +0000 Nick? I would definitely take him off your hands. I can pick up at any point tmw? Cheers Gareth ————
Him? Has Gareth already decided that, post anthropomorphism of an inanimate object (to, oddly, what many would consider, a further inanimate object) that him and the ‘Roon will be best buds? Maybe they’ll sit and watch “Danny Dyer’s Hardest Fuckers Who Are All A Bit Tasty In A Ruck, Yeah?” while enjoying a Stella (or six).
The ‘Roon won’t be able to nip out for fags or more booze though, thus crushing the illusion of human contact and sending you plummeting further into your Channel 5 fuelled psyche abuse.
Gareth - I won’t let you do this to yourself. Be Strong.
“Similar to that worn by Freddie Mercury of Queen. May be useful for drama or dance class.”
What any normal person reading between the lines here would see is that it’s an item of close fitting gents leisurewear, which is likely to be distended heavily around the groin and have soaked up more sweat than Bernard Manning’s socks.
Oh yeah, that and the fact that the previous owner’s walloper will have been rubbing against it quite a lot. A lot.
But no:
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From: xi@aol.com
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 10:52:35 +0000
Hi…I’m happy to take the unitard off your hands if its still available.
Kind regards
Trish
Sent from my BlackBerry? wireless device
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I really don’t even know where to begin.
The original advert:
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Classic spring based saddle with leather top, not the most comfortable in use but well worn and a good example of post-war era quality engineering. Removed from my grandmothers old bike which unfortunately has succumbed to rust and neglect.
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Note the following from the above:
- Leather Top
- Not Comfortable
- Belonged to my Grandmother
Within days the snurglers and gummmphers came running for a whiff of some antique front lady-bottom.
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From: Allotmenteer <X@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Re: [glasgow-freeshare] OFFER: bike saddle, City Centre
Hi, would love the saddle. My frwind George works on Flying Scots and various old bikes, he has asked us to look out for parts.
So if still available we can collect to suit.
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????????????????????????????????????????? Regards
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Ehhh - naw. You are not having a whiff of my late grandmother’s exertions.
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From: “gadbeebe” <x@msn.com>
Subject: Re: OFFER: bike saddle, City Centre
I could put this saddle to great use. I cycle almost evrywhere, and as a result my saddle is rather falling apart. I pass through central station between 4 and 5.30 every evening this week (so I could meet you there or collect shortly after that time depending on where you live) and am more flexible next week. I could also take the unitard off your hands if that was also still available. I hope to here from you soon!
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There’s just a general feeling of unease re-reading this. I’m not sure what’s weirder, the excitment of maybe getting the gent’s Unitard as well, or the saddle, or the prospect of sitting on one while wearing the other…
Big Dave. Big mad Dave, the big maddie. What a guy.
Surely people wouldn’t go out of their way to look like this?
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Costume of the Slade band member Dave Hill, incl. wig, comedy teeth and platform
heels.
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And here come the replies.
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From: Annette <annette@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: OFFER: “Dave from Slade” outfit, City Centre
Hi,
?
can you tell me the size of the costume?
The original post:
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Found during a clear-out, in a box with suits similar to those worn in the
“Labour of Love” video.
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The picture of puberty friendly saccharine pop.
It took a while, but something finally bobbed to the surface.
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From: “KEITH” <keith@xxxxxxx.fsnet.co.uk>
Subject: Re: OFFER: Hue & Cry halloween masks, City Centre
Date: Sun, 4 Dec 2011 17:21:07 -0000
In the unlikely event that no one has been in touch I could put these to use
cheers
Keith 649 XXXX
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I dunno Keith, have you seen the duo these days? They look more like they want to kick your head in than croon a few tunes:
What a pair of pure mad bastards, eh?
The original offer:
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To: freecyclelambeth@yahoogroups.com
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:11:58 -0000
Subject: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Life size Ally McBeal cardboard cutout, SW16
From the hit TV show,life size publicity board of Callista Flockhart (Ally McBeal)in typical pose as seen on DVD / Video covers.
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Everyone loves a bit of Ally McBeal. Especially Harrison Ford.
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From: Nishaan <nishaan@hotmail.com>
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:26:09 +0000
Hi
Please can I go for this when I best to pick up
Nishaan 0793039XXXX
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Slow down there cowboy, Ally does not just go out on a date on spec. How about a couple of tentative phone-calls, maybe some facebook / IM flirts, then maybe a meet in a bar somewhere? What do you think she is, some kind of loose woman?
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Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:20:42 +0000
From: louise <lou.spence@gmail.com>
Hi,
is this still available? - can collect tonight..
Thanks
Louise 07717410XXXX
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One thing puzzles me : how do you transport a life size cardboard celebrity around? Do you prop them up in your front seat, or do you bundle them in the back of your van? The logistics are mind boggling. Folding her would after all be tantamount to assault.
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From: saimdemirca@yahoo.com
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 22:11:32 +0000
Hi, is this still available? I think it will make a nice xmas present.
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For who? What sort of demographic lies awake at night thinking “I desperately need a likeness of a stick-thin neurotic duck-face looming over me while I consider how I’ve wasted my existence and weep silently into my camomile tea.”
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From: Neil Coleman <Neil@hotmail.com>
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:05:13 +0000
Pleeeeeeeeeeease tell me you still have this?!
Thanks
Neil
Credit to my wife for this one.
Original post:
Date: 29/11/2011 15:49
To: <glasgow-freeshare@yahoogroups.com>
Subj: [glasgow-freeshare] OFFER: hair, West End
Bag of human hair,several colours (brown, blonde, also red)
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It was not long before I was graced with a response.
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From: “les@tiscali.co.uk” <les@tiscali.co.uk>
Subject: Re: [glasgow-freeshare] OFFER: hair, West End
Hi there, I would be interested in picking up your hair, I will be over in the west end tomorrow and could pick it up anytime that suits you,
cheers Les.
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Really? Seriously? You’d travel across a large metropolitan area for a mixed bag of hair clippings from multiple people? Why would you do with it? The part of my mind that deals with “Things That Should Not Be” has an image of you coating yourself in glue, rolling around in the (arguably large) bag of hair, then running naked round the house screaming RAAAAWR I’M A YETI. Maybe you just weren’t allowed pets?
The initial offer:
To: freecyclelambeth@yahoogroups.com
X-Mailer: Yahoo Groups Message Poster
From: “imcallinabouttheusedpants” <pants@pants.com>
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:27:15 -0000
Subject: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16
Size 14, crotchless
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From: “Leila” <X@hotmail.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:40:26 +0000
Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16
I don’t want this but can I say that you have just made two girls fold over laughing!
Sent from my BlackBerry? smartphone
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Awww, bless. Glad to have helped.
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From: rita@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 22:19:17 +0000
Hi,can u send me a pick please?txs Rita
Sent using BlackBerry? from Orange
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Rita, this is a Wonder Woman outfit. It has no crotch. Pictures will not help you here.
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From: “Kelly” <kelly@hotmail.com>
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 22:50:15 +0000
Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16
Hi,
Could I please take this off your hands to bring a little romance back into our long term relationship! If still available?
Many thanks
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Kelly. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I appreciate your predicament, I really do, but I doubt a cult 70s superhero costume with no gusset will make romance blossom.
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From: Susana <susana@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16
Hi there,
I would love to have it if it??s still available and I can pick it up when is best for you. Please let me know.??Thank you.
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This just sounds bizarre. You did read the initial posting? You are aware there’s no gusset? How can you be so blaise? Hussy. Where is your SHAME woman?
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From: Tonyyy <tony@ymail.com>
X-Mailer: iPhone Mail (9A405)
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 06:54:01 +0000
I have an ikea standard lamp with 3 bulbs but no shade if you’re interested?
Tony
Mob 07921331234
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“I appreciate that I’m emailing you about something that a sexual predator might wear to a school reunion, but would you like some of my Ikea fixtures and fittings? Call me.”
You’re a sick man Tony.
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Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16
From: Edward <edward@gmail.com>
Wow. I wish my g/f was a size 14!
On Tuesday, November 29, 2011, pants wrote:
> Absolutely.
>
> On Tue, Nov 29, 2011 at 04:32:21PM +0000, Edward wrote:
> > Seriously?
> >
> > On Monday, November 28, 2011, pants wrote:
> >
> > > **
> > >
> > >
> > > Size 14, crotchless
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Edward, I doubt very much your girlfriend exists. I suspect you want to don this for yourself and run down the high-street, genitalia spinning freely in the wind as you do the Wonder Woman twirl.
Welcome to the sex-offenders register.
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Date: Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:53:06 +0000 (GMT)
From: samuel <sam@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16
hello name is samuel iam interested in these items is it possible to tell me where the nearest train station is to you i can collect on saturday , is it possible to put the items in a carrier bag on your porch or front door just in case that you are out when iu come to collect just to let me kowwhere to pick it up from
kind regards
samuel 078420246543
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The excitement of re-enacting his childhood has got the better of Samuel, and punctuation has flown the coop. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s almost like some Nigerian scam artist has infiltrated free-cycle.
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From: billy v<bill@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16
lol
