Xmas Break

"What’s that? You want anal rape this year? Ho Ho Ho!"

So I’m taking some time out over Xmas and New Year, and will be back to baiting some of the less well adjusted members of the online community in January. Have a great xmas, and I hope Santa is good to you.

OFFER : Mechanised Santa

The original post:


"OFFER : Mechanised Santa

Slightly the worse for wear, missing an eye of all things, still works though and does the usual wave / nod / ho-ho-ho.”


And here they come.


From: Hurtt Rob <robert@yahoo.com>

Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Mechanised Santa, SW4

I have his eye-I nicked it last Christmas.

It’s on the top of my tree at present but you are welcome to it back.

Rob Hurtt.


Moving on..


From: Pippa Palmer <pippa@x.co.uk>

Hi there
I’m having a bad office party on Sunday and this would be a fantastic prop.
Is it still free? I’d be happy to come and collect as I live in Brixton and
have a car.
Do let me know!
What exactly constitutes a bad office party? Answers on a postcard. I was about to ruminate further on this when..
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2011 00:39:57 +0000
From: Pippa 
Just so you don’t think your one-eyed Santa will go to waste …
We’re making this ‘Unofficial Office Party’ an annual event. It’s the
'Office Do' for freelancers, the disabled, students, actors - in fact
all of our Brixton friends who don’t get a regular office party.
There’s a fab cross dressing competition - your best ‘just left the
office wear’ - a recycled ‘Secret Santa’ Sack where guests bring a
recycled present worth no more than ?5 retail for someone you don’t
even know (so just like the real thing!)  I think a one-eyed
mechanical Santa would be the greatest prop ever.
I really really want him, so if he’s still squinting at you and
begging for a new home - just call, text or email, I’ll be over before
you can say ‘wink wink’
There’s so much wrong with the above. And I’m not talking about the cross-dressing. She’s keen though, I’ll give her that.
From: Alex Whomsley <alex@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Re: OFFER : Mechanised Santa, SW4
I’ll take him! If he’s still available of course
Bless. Alex is so excited, he just blurts it out.
From: Harry Daniels <harry@gmail.com>
Is this still available? I could potentially pick it up tonight if so… Is
it light enough to carry or do i need a car?
This was open-ended, and I thought it merited a response:
"Hi Harry,
This santa unit is roughly 2.5m by 3m, you’d require a rear-loading van to pick-up / deliver.
Approximate weight is around 1/2 a hundred-weight or so.
Still interested?
For those of you who’ve never worked in the building trade or had to lift anything heavy, the above dimensions have the Mechanised Santa weighing in at roughly the same size / weight as a Terminator.
Harry replies:
From: Harry Daniels <harry@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:18:19 +0000

Unfortunately i wont be able to pick it up in that case, bit too big!
Thanks anyway
…which makes me question just what sort of standard size (if any) a mechanised santa would have?

OFFER: Life size “Subbuteo” player

"Similar to a weeble or inflatable character, passing resemblance to Rooney."


Look at that face. LOOK AT IT. It’s bad enough this overpaid belmer is taken seriously by the clinically retarded and feeble minded, can you imagine the ugly fucker life-size in your house?

Debbie can.


From: Debbie <debbie@yahoo.co.uk>

Subject: Re: [wilmslow_freecycle] OFFER: Life size “Subbuteo” player (Wilmslow)

hi i would love the subbuteo player if thats ok could you e mail me thank you



Better idea : put this mask on, and lope around your garden making “NYYYURGH” noises and occasionally pausing to say “MMAAAAATT DAAAAMMMON”:

That way, you get the Rooney experience without the clutter.


From: theballman@x.com

Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2011 21:39:49 +0000


I would definitely take him off your hands. I can pick up at any point tmw?




Him? Has Gareth already decided that, post anthropomorphism of an inanimate object (to, oddly, what many would consider, a further inanimate object) that him and the ‘Roon will be best buds? Maybe they’ll sit and watch “Danny Dyer’s Hardest Fuckers Who Are All A Bit Tasty In A Ruck, Yeah?” while enjoying a Stella (or six).

The ‘Roon won’t be able to nip out for fags or more booze though, thus crushing the illusion of human contact and sending you plummeting further into your Channel 5  fuelled psyche abuse.

Gareth - I won’t let you do this to yourself. Be Strong.

OFFER : Gent’s unitard, red.

"Similar to that worn by Freddie Mercury of Queen. May be useful for drama or dance class."

What any normal person reading between the lines here would see is that it’s an item of close fitting gents leisurewear, which is likely to be distended heavily around the groin and have soaked up more sweat than Bernard Manning’s socks.

Oh yeah, that and the fact that the previous owner’s walloper will have been rubbing against it quite a lot. A lot.

But no:


From: xi@aol.com

Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 10:52:35 +0000

Hi…I’m happy to take the unitard off your hands if its still available.

Kind regards


Sent from my BlackBerry? wireless device


I really don’t even know where to begin.

OFFER : Bike saddle

The original advert:


Classic spring based saddle with leather top, not the most comfortable in use but well worn and a good example of post-war era quality engineering. Removed from my grandmothers old bike which unfortunately has succumbed to rust and neglect.


Note the following from the above:

 - Leather Top

 - Not Comfortable

 - Belonged to my Grandmother

Within days the snurglers and gummmphers came running for a whiff of some antique front lady-bottom.


From: Allotmenteer <X@yahoo.co.uk>

Subject: Re: [glasgow-freeshare] OFFER: bike saddle, City Centre

Hi, would love the saddle. My frwind George works on Flying Scots and various old bikes, he has asked us to look out for parts.

So if still available we can collect to suit.


???????????????????????????????????????????????? Regards


Ehhh - naw. You are not having a whiff of my late grandmother’s exertions.


From: “gadbeebe” <x@msn.com>

Subject: Re: OFFER: bike saddle, City Centre

I could put this saddle to great use. I cycle almost evrywhere, and as a result my saddle is rather falling apart. I pass through central station between 4 and 5.30 every evening this week (so I could meet you there or collect shortly after that time depending on where you live) and am more flexible next week. I could also take the unitard off your hands if that was also still available. I hope to here from you soon!


There’s just a general feeling of unease re-reading this. I’m not sure what’s weirder, the excitment of maybe getting the gent’s Unitard as well, or the saddle, or the prospect of sitting on one while wearing the other…

OFFER : Dave from Slade outfit. Includes wig, false teeth and platform shoes.

Big Dave. Big mad Dave, the big maddie. What a guy.

Surely people wouldn’t go out of their way to look like this?


Costume of the Slade band member Dave Hill, incl. wig, comedy teeth and platform


And here come the replies.



From: Annette  <annette@yahoo.com>

Subject: Re: OFFER: “Dave from Slade” outfit, City Centre



can you tell me the size of the costume?

Size 24 Annette. Dave got big in his old age.
From: Agnes<atm@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Re: [glasgow-freeshare] OFFER: “Dave from Slade” outfit, City Centre

hi, do you still have the costume ?
hope to hear from you soon
"Hi, it’s Davie AH MEAN EH Agnes and ah wis wondering if you still had the brassiere available?" Gender identity crisis or Slade afficionado - you decide.
From: “Isabel” <isabel@X.coop>
Subject: slade outfit!
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 20:51:46 -0000
Sounds bizarre! If you’ve still got it we’ll take it! Let us know where and
Isabel + Lesley
Again - totally stumped with this. You actually want to look like a late 70s Brummie glam rock star? Do you wish it could be xmas (every day)?

OFFER: Hue & Cry halloween masks

The original post:


Found during a clear-out, in a box with suits similar to those worn in the
"Labour of Love" video.


The picture of puberty friendly saccharine pop.

It took a while, but something finally bobbed to the surface.


From: “KEITH” <keith@xxxxxxx.fsnet.co.uk>

Subject: Re: OFFER: Hue & Cry halloween masks, City Centre

Date: Sun, 4 Dec 2011 17:21:07 -0000

In the unlikely event that no one has been in touch I could put these to use


Keith 649 XXXX


I dunno Keith, have you seen the duo these days? They look more like they want to kick your head in than croon a few tunes:

What a pair of pure mad bastards, eh?

OFFER : Cardboard cut-out Ally McBeal. Life-size.

The original offer:


To: freecyclelambeth@yahoogroups.com

Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:11:58 -0000

Subject: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Life size Ally McBeal cardboard cutout, SW16

From the hit TV show,life size publicity board of Callista Flockhart (Ally McBeal)in typical pose as seen on DVD / Video covers.


Everyone loves a bit of Ally McBeal. Especially Harrison Ford.


From: Nishaan <nishaan@hotmail.com>

Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:26:09 +0000


Please can I go for this when I best to pick up

Nishaan 0793039XXXX


Slow down there cowboy, Ally does not just go out on a date on spec. How about a couple of tentative phone-calls, maybe some facebook / IM flirts, then maybe a meet in a bar somewhere? What do you think she is, some kind of loose woman?


Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:20:42 +0000

From: louise  <lou.spence@gmail.com>


is this still available? - can collect tonight..


Louise 07717410XXXX


One thing puzzles me : how do you transport a life size cardboard celebrity around? Do you prop them up in your front seat, or do you bundle them in the back of your van? The logistics are mind boggling. Folding her would after all be tantamount to assault.


From: saimdemirca@yahoo.com

Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 22:11:32 +0000

Hi, is this still available? I think it will make a nice xmas present.


For who? What sort of demographic lies awake at night thinking “I desperately need a likeness of a stick-thin neurotic duck-face looming over me while I consider how I’ve wasted my existence and weep silently into my camomile tea.”


From: Neil Coleman <Neil@hotmail.com>

Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:05:13 +0000

Pleeeeeeeeeeease tell me you still have this?!



Neil’s enthusiasm is either endearing or worrying depending on your take on the situation. 

OFFER : Bag of hair.

Credit to my wife for this one.

Original post:

Date: 29/11/2011 15:49

To: <glasgow-freeshare@yahoogroups.com>

Subj: [glasgow-freeshare] OFFER: hair, West End

Bag of human hair,several colours (brown, blonde, also red)


It was not long before I was graced with a response.


From: “les@tiscali.co.uk” <les@tiscali.co.uk>

Subject: Re: [glasgow-freeshare] OFFER: hair, West End

Hi there, I would be interested in picking up your hair, I will be over in the west end tomorrow and could pick it up anytime that suits you,

cheers Les.


Really? Seriously? You’d travel across a large metropolitan area for a mixed bag of hair clippings from multiple people? Why would you do with it? The part of my mind that deals with “Things That Should Not Be” has an image of you coating yourself in glue, rolling around in the (arguably large) bag of hair, then running naked round the house screaming RAAAAWR I’M A YETI. Maybe you just weren’t allowed pets?

OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, size 14. Crotchless.

The initial offer:

To: freecyclelambeth@yahoogroups.com

X-Mailer: Yahoo Groups Message Poster

From: “imcallinabouttheusedpants” <pants@pants.com>

Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:27:15 -0000

Subject: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16

Size 14, crotchless


From: “Leila” <X@hotmail.co.uk>

Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:40:26 +0000

Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16

I don’t want this but can I say that you have just made two girls fold over laughing!

Sent from my BlackBerry? smartphone


Awww, bless. Glad to have helped.


From: rita@hotmail.com

Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 22:19:17 +0000

Hi,can u send me a pick please?txs Rita

Sent using BlackBerry? from Orange


Rita, this is a Wonder Woman outfit. It has no crotch. Pictures will not help you here.


From: “Kelly” <kelly@hotmail.com>

Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 22:50:15 +0000

Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16


Could I please take this off your hands to bring a little romance back into our long term relationship! If still available?

Many thanks


Kelly. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I appreciate your predicament, I really do, but I doubt a cult 70s superhero costume with no gusset will make romance blossom.


From: Susana <susana@yahoo.com>

Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16

Hi there,

I would love to have it if it??s still available and I can pick it up when is best for you. Please let me know.??Thank you.


This just sounds bizarre. You did read the initial posting? You are aware there’s no gusset? How can you be so blaise? Hussy. Where is your SHAME woman?


From: Tonyyy <tony@ymail.com>

X-Mailer: iPhone Mail (9A405)

Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 06:54:01 +0000

I have an ikea standard lamp with 3 bulbs but no shade if you’re interested?


Mob 07921331234


"I appreciate that I’m emailing you about something that a sexual predator might wear to a school reunion, but would you like some of my Ikea fixtures and fittings? Call me."

You’re a sick man Tony.


Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16

From: Edward <edward@gmail.com>

Wow. I wish my g/f was a size 14!

On Tuesday, November 29, 2011, pants wrote:

> Absolutely.


> On Tue, Nov 29, 2011 at 04:32:21PM +0000, Edward wrote:

> > Seriously?

> >

> > On Monday, November 28, 2011, pants wrote:

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > Size 14, crotchless


Edward, I doubt very much your girlfriend exists. I suspect you want to don this for yourself and run down the high-street, genitalia spinning freely in the wind as you do the Wonder Woman twirl.

Welcome to the sex-offenders register.


Date: Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:53:06 +0000 (GMT)

From: samuel <sam@yahoo.co.uk>

Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16

hello name is samuel iam interested in these items is it possible to tell me where the nearest train station is to you i can collect on saturday , is it possible to put the items in a carrier bag on your porch or front door just in case that you are out when iu come to collect just to let me kowwhere to pick it up from

kind regards

samuel 078420246543


The excitement of re-enacting his childhood has got the better of Samuel, and punctuation has flown the coop. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s almost like some Nigerian scam artist has infiltrated free-cycle.


From: billy v<bill@yahoo.com>

Subject: Re: [freecyclelambeth] OFFER : Wonder Woman outfit, SW16


Billy is a man in the know. Concise, to the point, and erudite with it. “lol”, indeed.